Built From Broken

The title will make sense at some point soon. Just trust me. 😉

Do you ever have those days where every little thing seems to go wrong? Well, that’s what I’m dealing with today! Today isn’t even over yet, and I feel like I could go to bed and sleep for countless hours – like 12. HA!

It’s just been one inconvenience after another. I was supposed to have a procedure done at the hospital tomorrow morning, but the doctor’s office called and said my doctor is sick and can’t do it. I have stopped several medications in preparation for this procedure, so it SUCKS that it’s not happening. Now, I will have to start that process ALL over again once I get rescheduled. Despite this crappy news, I wasn’t going to let it ruin my day. Well….the blows just kept coming. Now, at this point of the day, I’m ready to be done. Please let me go to bed and try again tomorrow! (I have kids, who am I kidding? I don’t get to go to bed early! Haha)

My health has been an issue almost all of my life. I should be used to it now, but I’m not. In fact, it’s worse now than it used to be…back when I only had ONE autoimmune disease. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age 10 – then I had a health spiral in 2020, where things haven’t been great since. I’m surviving, but I would be lying if I said my quality of life is where it should be. At only 37 years old, it’s a tough pill to swallow – especially since I know what’s coming in the future. I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease last year called MCTD (Mixed Connective Tissue Disease.) I encourage you to look it up if you are interested. Maybe I’m the only one that finds that stuff fascinating, who knows? LOL Anyway, it’s not fun, folks. It has caused a lot of arthritis throughout my entire body. Hands, feet, hips, tailbone…..I could go on and on. It prevents me from doing a lot of things that my brain tells me to do, but I can’t physically handle it. I’m very stubborn, so it’s a struggle. I never want to REST. Anyone with an autoimmune condition knows, REST YOUR BODY WHEN YOU NEED IT. That’s one of the hardest parts, honestly. I always have to feel busy, so I don’t feel useless. So if I’m just laying here resting, I feel guilty. Yes, I know I shouldn’t. Yes, I know I probably have mental issues. It is what it is. Haha

Something else has been bothering me today….

Anyone who is close to me knows, I no longer have a relationship with my mother. We will refer to her as “K” moving forward. The last time I saw her was on Christmas Day in 2021. She hugged me tight, told me she loved me, and that was it. It’s a long story, which I WILL tell. Soon. The last time I SPOKE to her was in February of 2021, when I told her despite how she feels about me, I will let her see my boys whenever she wanted because they. needed their grandmother. She has NEVER taken me up on that offer. She has not seen either of my boys since that Christmas day….

I went no contact with K that February. I had to, for my own sanity & mental health. I truly believe that NO adult child cuts off contact with their own mother for just one incident. It is usually a long series of events, that have lasted an entire lifetime. An entire lifetime of disappointment, trauma & pain. That’s what I was living. I gave my mother chance, after chance, after CHANCE to do the right thing and it just simply never happened. I didn’t have real grandparents growing up -none that seemed to care anyway. I always longed to have grandparents that I could spend the weekend with, or invite to grandparent’s day at school. Because I didn’t have that, I desperately wanted my boys to experience that kind of love. K could not be that person. She has dropped all of us, like we simply don’t exist. While that hurts, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as grieving the mom that I will never have. THAT pain is something I will probably always carry. It gets easier over time, I’m sure, but I’m just not there yet.

I’m saying all this to say, K has been spending time in my city – according to my sources (LOL.) She’s not from Pittsburgh, she lives in another state close by. The fact that she’s here and has never reached out to see me, is crazy. As a mother, how can you just act as if one of your children doesn’t exist? How do you let their birthday pass without saying a word? How do you not want to fix what’s been broken? I am a mother, and I can’t IMAGINE doing that to any of my children. My children are my life, and if they were upset with me, I would do EVERYTHING in my power to fix my relationship with them. Anything. Sometimes the wound hurts more than others. Some days I don’t think about it at all. Some days I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this. If you have gone no contact with a parent, I see you. I feel your pain. You are not alone. Family is who you choose. You don’t have to be blood related to be family. I have found my people, and that’s what keeps me going. I hope you find your people too.

Until next time,

-B ❤