Built From Broken

I have been in my feelings all day – just reflecting on a myriad of things, not one thing in particular. I have had most of the day to myself, which almost NEVER happens, so I took the opportunity to get a ton of work done. When I have something I need to do, all I need is music. It is the ONE thing in life that can lift me up no matter what. When I’m anxious, depressed, angry….music is my outlet. So, I put on my music, and away I went. Music usually drowns out my thoughts, which is why I almost always have it playing. If I sit with my thoughts too long, I start to spiral. Today, music wasn’t distracting me. My thoughts are so much louder than the music. It got me thinking…

I miss my dad. I do. Our relationship was nothing but tumultuous most of the time. But, we went a few good years without issues, and I keep focusing on those years in my brain today. It makes me miss him dearly. The last time my father spoke to me was almost a year ago, in an email. A very awful, degrading, painful email. It made me feel like NOTHING. How could he speak to his own daughter this way?! The horrible things he said to me makes me sick to my stomach. I’m not quite ready to dive into the email, but I really wanted to share something I found while I was cleaning today.

I have very few things from my childhood in my possession – my mom has it all. One thing I did keep, was my high school journal, from ages 15-18. I also have a book that I used to write poems in & lyrics to songs that were meaningful to me. I did this for years, starting at 18. I want to share a poem I wrote about my father when I was a teenager. Rereading it brought tears to my eyes – I was in SO much pain. All I wanted was for my dad to LOVE. While I’m sure he did love me in his own way, I have never truly felt it.

Doomed From the Start

I go through life one day at a time

But, I can’t keep myself from thinking of your life, not mine

I wonder what you are doing, 

I wonder where you are

We live so close together, but it seems so very far

Do you ever think of me? 

Do you ever think back on those horrible times we fought?

I can’t stop the urge to go past your house

Feeling the adrenaline pumping as I do

It pains me that you know nothing about me

Especially since spending time with your kids is free

It is amazing to me how you just don’t care

The fact that I am your daughter just isn’t fair

With everything I have to deal with, this shouldn’t be an issue

It is even more disgusting that I actually miss you

I have wasted so much of my life on you

Nothing you ever said to me was true

One day you will realize what you missed out on

When everything in your life is going wrong

I still can’t believe you threw away everything we had at the drop of a hat

Our relationship was doomed right off the bat

When you are old and lonely I won’t be there to pick up the pieces,

You screwed up too many chances

I wish I didn’t see you when I looked in the mirror 

The only feeling I feel is fear

That I will end up like you…

You have made my life miserable, even unbearable

Despite all that, I CAN do something like you

I can say F*CK YOU too!

I wanted seen in the worst way by him, and it never happened. If I got upset by something he did, and I expressed my feelings, I was met with RAGE. Zero responsibility, zero accountability, nothing. When he forgot to show up before my senior prom to take pictures? Not his fault. When he told me he would pay for my room/board for college, and then changed his mind after I was already moved in? It can’t be HIS fault. When he forgot to call my brother on his birthday? You guessed it, not his fault. I could go on and on, trust me.

When my oldest son was born, my dad’s wife J begged me to give him a chance to be a grandfather. Since he had barely spoken to me for years prior to that, I had little desire to let him back into my life. Then I thought of the little boy in my arms, and how I wanted him to have the grandparents I never had. So, between the guilt & post-partum hormones, I let him in. I let him in against my better judgement. Now I am dealing with the consequences of that choice that I made 11 years ago.

About a year ago, he kicked me while I was down, at my lowest point in life – at the beginning of my divorce. He threatened to take my soon to be ex-husband and I to court for custody of my boys. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I am still very much stuck in my anger when it comes to him. Being angry takes SO MUCH energy, and it completely exhausts me. I never thought that the first man I had ever loved was capable of hurting me so deeply.

My dad taught me how to be selfish, to only care about myself. He taught me how to make someone feel less than. He taught me to act like I was better than everyone else. He taught me to never help someone in need. He taught me to put everything else ABOVE my family.

But you know what? I don’t do any of those things. I have always lived my life to be the OPPOSITE of my parents. I am a loving, caring person. I care DEEPLY. I always have. I would drop anything & everything for someone who asked for my help. I am loyal – and fight for those I love. I’m compassionate and understanding, and my children are my entire world. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I could see anything positive about myself. I had been beat down for such a LONG time. The things my dad taught me, are nothing I want to be. I will stay true to myself, and take the hard days as they come.

❤ B