Built From Broken

I sincerely hope that this incredibly stressful part of life is going to be over soon. I’m not sure how much more I can fit on my plate. The last few weeks have been KILLER! I’m sure there are people reading this right now going, “Yes! Same!” I feel you, trust me. As most of you know by now, I am in the middle of a divorce. It’s a very messy divorce, and I am so BEYOND the point of being exhausted by it. It’s affecting me mentally & physically. All I want is for it to end. It needs to be done.

I met my soon to be ex-husband when I was only 22 years old. Well, now that I am pushing 40, I realize just how young twenty two is. I had little life experience & had only one long term relationship before I met W. I had a mostly shitty childhood, so the thought of meeting someone and falling in love was something I very much desired. I wanted away from the fighting and the stress, but most of all, I wanted out of my parent’s house. I wanted away from my mother.

When we first met, I thought he was amazing. He was unlike any other guy I had dated; he was awkward. LOL He was nervous around me, and I found it endearing. He opened doors for me, he was polite, AND he wanted to see me again – and again, and again. I was hooked. He was so laid back & just went with the flow, which I found comforting – since most of my life was so chaotic. Nothing really got him worked up. In fact, he was and still is, the calmest person I have ever met! Now, I know what you are thinking. He sounds great, right? I thought so too, for a while.

A few weeks after we met, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Honestly, I panicked. I felt like it was way too soon, and I had been single for almost three years. I wasn’t sure I was ready to commit to him so soon….but I said, “okay.” While I was driving 45 minutes home from his apartment, I felt like I made a huge mistake and started to hyperventilate. I will NEVER forget this. My body was telling me something was off since the beginning; I just never listened. I eventually felt at peace with my decision, and decided to just see how it went.

We never seemed to “mesh” well, if that makes sense. There was always something…off. He never thought anything was a big deal, so if I was upset by something, he blew me off or acted like I was just being dramatic. W being so laid back was one of the things I loved about him in the beginning, but over time I realized how much it bothered me. We had a lot of fights over this. Despite these issues, we made it to our one year dating anniversary. He took me to a fancy restaurant to celebrate, then proposed to me in a room full of people. Yet again, I was caught off guard. So, with everyone staring at me, I said…”yes.” I mean, what else was I supposed to do?! I thought, this is what you are supposed to do in life, right? You meet someone, get married, have kids, blah blah blah. So, I thought I was making the “smart” choice – the safe choice.

The honeymoon period didn’t last very long. The second I said “I do”, I was treated like an afterthought. To me, it seemed like a game. He beat the final boss, and he got the prize – now the game is over. It’s like he was a different person. He didn’t open doors for me anymore. He didn’t compliment me. He didn’t make me feel special. He made me feel….small. I always felt self-conscious around him; I was afraid to be my authentic self. Every time I was, I was treated like an annoyance. I began to distance myself from him emotionally, so it didn’t hurt so badly. Over the years, I lost hope that he would ever change. He never TRIED. He said all the right things, but his actions showed me he couldn’t care less…

Now, nearly 16 years later, I desperately want to be divorced from this man. Today, he’s someone I no longer recognize. The things he has said and done since the divorce process has started, has been nothing short of despicable. He has tried to control every aspect of my life for a long time – and I am nearly free. Unfortunately, I have two boys that are being affected by all of this, and I would do anything to shield them from their father’s actions.

I just have to take a few deep breaths, and try to find a way through this. I can ALMOST see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to have faith that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, because this amount of stress isn’t sustainable. Just as my therapist tells me…stress kills.

❤ B