Built From Broken

I have wanted to write this for a really LONG time. I never knew how to start, or what to say, but I think it’s finally time.

If I were you, I would go grab some coffee, or maybe a snack. This is going to be a long one! LOL

You see, I was (and still am, unfortunately) married to a man that was incapable of standing up for what’s right. He never stood up for me, and he never put me first. He let people walk all over him, family included. Because of this, he let people walk all over ME too. We had plenty of fights about this throughout our 12 year marriage – and they were never resolved.

One ONGOING fight was about my mother-in-law, “M.” This woman NEVER liked me. She never tried to get to know me & judged me from day one. I tried to get along with her for over a decade. I tried to “prove my worth” so I could show that I was worthy to be with her son. Looking back on this now, it makes me sad and angry. First of all, her son isn’t worthy of ME, not the other way around. Second, I shouldn’t have to prove my worth to anyone other than myself.

I loved her son W so much, and I desperately wanted his family’s approval. I remember being so nervous to meet them for the first time. I am a biracial woman, and it is a bit nerve-wracking meeting the parents for the first time. Some parents do NOT want their son to date a black woman; I have experienced it several times in the past. W assured me that it wouldn’t be a problem, that his parents weren’t like that. W’s dad was always very kind to me. I never had any issues with him. Sadly, he passed away in 2012.

Anyway…his mom was a different story. She was very standoffish & quiet around me. When I used to go to their house when W and I were dating, I never had any REAL conversations with her. What I thought was weird was that her daughter had just started dating someone, and she talked to him. She laughed with him. She treated me like I was invisible most of the time. It was odd. At first, I didn’t think much of it, I really didn’t. Over time though, her attitude with me continued. It made things uncomfortable when I was there, so I never wanted to go. I remember bringing my concerns up to W, and of course, they were dismissed. It was “all in my head.”

After W and I got engaged, the wedding planning started. I remember my mom trying to include M in the planning; she sent emails to her keeping her up to date, and asked her opinion on things. I invited her to my dress fitting to include her – it was a very special moment for me. She came to my parent’s house to help with planning & making centerpieces, and she was SO rude the entire time! I was so exhausted from trying to get this woman to like me. It seemed like everything I did and said p*ssed her off. I will never forget how she embarrassed me in front of my friends at my bridal shower! She approached me while I was standing with my bridesmaids, and got an attitude about the shoes I picked for the girls to wear. Huh? I was so upset after that! Once again, I brought this up to W, and was told I was overreacting. Typical.

I begged W to talk to his mom to try and find out what the issue was. I did not want to start my marriage off this way. If there was an issue, I wanted to try and fix it before we got married. He refused. It made me feel like I was crazy; like I was making the whole thing up. Now, keep in mind, I am a people pleaser, always have been. Thanks trauma! I thought there must have been something wrong with ME. I always treated her with respect and kindness, despite how she treated me. I didn’t want W to be upset with me. So, I sucked it up, and pushed my feelings down.

After we got married, it didn’t get any better. It got worse. She would make rude remarks about me when W was out of earshot, she would give me dirty looks, and treated me like crap! W couldn’t care less. He would tell me, “You must have heard it wrong” OR “You are being ridiculous, that didn’t happen.” He was no help at all. His mom got a free pass to treat me like garbage for 10 YEARS! Man, she was a center of a LOT of our arguments, for a very long time. He always stood up for that woman. ALWAYS. I was at the bottom of the priority list with him, and it hurt so deeply. I couldn’t figure out what her problem was. It kept me up at night thinking about it – lots of tears!

I continued to suffer through all the holidays, birthdays, and get togethers. Me and W always got into a fight beforehand, because I begged him to let me stay home. He said, “If you don’t like it, leave.” I heard this frequently. I had such low self worth, that I just accepted it. It makes me sick thinking about it now. He made me feel so low; I was always down. At this point, my oldest son was just a baby. I was basically raising him on my own. W was in college still, getting his PhD, and he was never home. He worked 6 days a week, and didn’t get home until late. I was struggling big time and it never mattered to him.

Eventually, I got so sick of dealing with her behavior towards me, that I told W I was done. I told him I was done going over there. It gave me horrible anxiety, and he didn’t stand up for me once. So, one Christmas, he took my son N to her house and left me at home. I was so angry that he thought it was okay to do! Instead of trying to make things right, he just cut me out of the equation. That’s exactly what M wanted – she got her wish. She didn’t have to deal with me anymore.

I dug deep, and tried to figure out the reason she didn’t like me. Was I ever rude to her? No. Did I ignore her? No. Was I a shitty wife to her son? No. I was coming up with nothing. It didn’t make any sense. So, one night I asked W if he thought his mom could be racist. He was angry I even asked that question, and assured me that wasn’t the case. How dare me, right? The more time that went on, the more I thought it was true. I had NEVER given that woman a reason to dislike me, but I was judged from the start. If you have ever dealt with racism, you will understand where I am coming from. I have dealt with it before, it’s inevitable. This was a very familiar feeling. But, with W I was hitting a brick wall. My concerns weren’t something he cared about, and he made that known.

Over the years, I had reached out to her multiple times, trying to fix our broken relationship. I told her that I wanted to get along for W, and I hated how things were. Nothing was ever fixed. I was so tired of trying. Deep down I knew that no matter what I said or did, she wouldn’t like me. So, for the most part, I stopped trying.

In 2018, my youngest son L was born. This was the last time I had anything to do with her. I had just gotten home from the hospital a few days prior, sleep deprived, and trying to recover from a c-section. M text W and asked if she could come see the baby. I told W it was way too soon. I was exhausted, and just needed some more time before I had anyone over. The house was a mess and so was I. LOL Little did I know, it was going to cause a HUGE problem. She flipped OUT. She said it was my fault she didn’t get to come see the baby, and was going on and on.

Later that night, everyone was fighting. She told W that he needs to come spend time with his “family of origin,” and stop worrying about me and my family. When that tactic didn’t work, she tried to convince him that I was “crazy” and that he needed to keep the boys safe and get them away from me. WHAT?! Surprisingly, W asked M if she was racist, and if that was the reason she didn’t like me. She said, “DON’T PLAY THE RACE CARD WITH ME.” Oh boy. That was all I needed to hear. I told W I was DONE with her. I set that boundary, finally, after 10 years. I didn’t want to be around her. Enough was enough. I told him I would never stand in the way if he wanted to maintain a relationship with her, but I would no longer be around her. That was it.

W didn’t have much to do with her after that. He was angry too. He felt betrayed. For a while she would send gifts to the boys for birthdays & Christmas, but had never met our youngest son, L. Eventually, the gifts stopped. The communication had stopped all together. She never tried once to make it right with me or W. Not once. She didn’t talk to her son, to me, or either of her grandkids for over 5 years.

Now that I’m out of the picture, she has resurfaced. Surprise, surprise, huh? She gets to see her son and her grandkids without me around, which is what she wanted from the beginning. Congratulations, M. You did it.

Dear Mother-in-law,

I know you think you have everyone fooled, but you don’t. Deep down, your son knows you abandoned him and his children. Deep down, he knows you treated me horribly for 10 years. Deep down, your son knows you NEVER tried to right any of the wrongs. You have never, EVER, taken responsibility for anything you have done. What kind of person cuts off their son for 5 years, all because he tried to make you face what you had done? There is nothing in this world that would stop me from trying to make things right with my children. Nothing. But, that’s the difference between us, isn’t it?

You judged me before you met me. You NEVER thought I was good enough for your son. I will never know for sure if racism was the cause for the hatred, but what I do know is, trusting my gut has never been wrong. Every time I reached out to you, tried to bond with you, anything….I was met with a brick wall. Why did I put myself through that? I loved your son, and at one point in time, I would have done anything for him. I lived my life to make him happy. I know now, that was the wrong choice. The truth is, your son wasn’t a good husband. He put me down, made me feel worthless, and much more. I won’t bore you with the details, because I know you don’t care.

You didn’t ruin my marriage, but you were a huge factor in it. The amount of fights we had because of your actions is crazy. What did you say when W told you that we fought all the time because of you? You said, “Your marriage problems aren’t my fault.” Of course they aren’t, M. You never take responsibility for anything – it must be genetic. Freeing myself from you, was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Your golden child W, has no backbone. He couldn’t and wouldn’t stand up to you, but I can.

The way you treated me was despicable, and you know it. You knew EXACTLY what you were doing, I fully believe that. My son N asked me why W thought it was okay that you didn’t talk to them for 5 years, and he gladly welcomed you back into his life anyway. I told him only his dad could answer that, but I don’t think he can either. After W’s dad died, you were the only parent he had left. Did you care about his feelings? No. That’s pretty obvious. It’s very sad.

N is old enough that he is asking me questions about why we didn’t get along. I am not holding back on the truth. Shielding him from the truth won’t help him. I don’t ever want him to experience the pain I felt. I want him to be able to stand up for HIMSELF when something isn’t right. I want him to be able to set healthy boundaries, because I was unable to. I let people walk all over me for a long time, but that is over now. This is the closure I so desperately needed, but was unable to get, until now. Your son lost the one person in this world who would have done anything for him – it certainly wasn’t you. So, I hope you are happy. I hope you have learned from that situation, but I would bet money on it that you are still a very miserable person. Only a miserable person would treat someone the way you did. Good riddance.

Goodbye, M.