Built From Broken

My whole life has been filled with negativity. I listened to negativity growing up from my parents, and naturally, I grew into a negative adult. Sometimes I swear this is why I have such “bad luck.” Anyway….I have never been a positive person. I never felt like I could be, since shit rains down on me at an almost constant basis. With that being said, I am trying to change my ways. I’m trying to find ways to release all of the negativity I subconsciously hold on to, so I can live a better life. Negativity doesn’t serve ANYONE. It makes everything harder; it bleeds into everything you do.

I do have good days, don’t get me wrong, but most days I seem to drown in negativity. Whether it’s because of me, or something I can’t control, the negativity reigns supreme. Well, I’m tired of it. I’m so tired of waking up with a veil over my life – I find it hard to see the good in things like I used to. Too much has happened in my life. My 30’s have been ROUGH, to put it mildly. Despite that, I’m still here, trying to make “life” work.

As many of you know by now, I am going through a very long and exhausting divorce. We are nearing the end, thankfully, but it has been TERRIBLE. It took so much willpower and strength to leave my soon to be ex-husband. At times, I didn’t think I would make it, and my ex banked on that. I was left with nothing to my name, and it was extremely difficult to get to the place i’m at right now. With that being said, I have some work to do. This negative mindset isn’t serving me. Why did I leave my toxic marriage if I was just going to behave the same way I did when I was with him? Miserable. I’m ready to break free of the chains that have been holding me down.

But, how do I do that?!

I am a REALTOR, and yesterday I was hosting an open house. I went through the garage to walk through the door, and I suddenly started breathing heavily and sweating. It was a new construction home, and it was absolutely beautiful. My ex-husband and I moved into our new construction marital home in the summer of 2022. That was the first and only time I owned my own home. I lived in it for 8 months. There are major wounds there, most of which I just pushed down to try and move forward. So, as I walked into this beautiful home, I panicked. The smells are still very familiar – brand new paint, flooring, wood, etc. Everything started to feel a little too familiar and REAL. I had to find a way to let it go fairly quickly, so I just tried to focus on work instead of old memories trying to take over. It worked, but not very long! I made it through the open house, but those panicked feelings I had, wouldn’t go away.

I haven’t been a REALTOR all that long. I have only been licensed since April of this year. With that said, I have shown my share of homes. I have been inside new construction homes. The “new smell” didn’t bother me, UNTIL yesterday! I didn’t expect it, which made it worse. I guess that’s how grieving goes, though. That’s really what it is – grieving the marital home I had. The home I watched being built for 8 months, the home I thought I was going to raise my kids in….the home I thought I was going to grow old in with my (ex) husband in. Even though I WANTED the divorce, it doesn’t mean I haven’t grieved my old life.

So, yesterday after I got home from hosting the open house, I decided to take a drive past my marital home. Now, I have driven past it a handful of times since I have moved out, all to punish myself I guess, because I leave in tears every time. Yesterday, I drove there with an intention – to release myself from the negativity associated with the house. That’s all it is…a house. It was NEVER a home. The only thing that lived there was pain & suffering, and I wanted to be done with it.

The drive was so familiar. When I turned into the development, my heart started pounding, but I kept driving. I damn near turned around and went back home, but I didn’t. I sat there in my car, across from my old house, and just stared at it. That’s all I could do for a few minutes. For a second, I thought, people probably think I’m some creeper sitting here, so I need to make this quick. (LOL) I said, out LOUD, “I no longer want any of the negativity surrounding this house. It has hurt me for far too long. Nothing good has happened here! I was at my lowest point in life while living here, and that’s where I want it to stay. I got AWAY from a man who didn’t even love me. I am where I’m supposed to be now – with D, my boys & my pretty girl. I left to have a better life, and that means I need to leave this home behind. I’m done.” After that, I drove away. When I left the development, I realized I was smiling. It was the only time since moving out, that I didn’t drive away crying – and that’s really something.

Find a way to let it go. Negativity serves NO ONE! It’s not easy to do, but it will be worth it. I’m going to try and find positivity in every day. Those negative thoughts will creep back in, and that’s normal, I’m sure. But, I think it’s what you do AFTER the negative thoughts that matters. I think I just realized that. If I can do it, so can you. You have to feel pain before you can have peace. ❤