Built From Broken

It’s that joyous time of year again! Christmas is almost here.🎄 For most, it seems like a time of happiness and excitement. I wish so desperately that I felt that as well, but I don’t. Christmas time has always been a sore subject for me. Childhood trauma rears its ugly head each year for the holidays. I have been a mom for almost twelve years, so I poured my energy into my kids for Christmas. Doing that made it easier for me – seeing their excitement over Santa! It made my problems feel smaller. Since the divorce process has started, that has all gone away…

Now, I have to share my boys with my soon to be ex-husband on each holiday. Is it fair? Yes. Does that make it easier? Absolutely not. It tears me apart inside every time my boys leave me. What’s even worse, is I have to watch my children be devastated when they leave my side. It’s extremely difficult.

My ex has made life VERY hard to put it mildly. Co-parenting doesn’t exist. I text him, no response. I call him, no response. He refuses to speak to me, period. It’s impossible to parent properly when the other parent doesn’t want to participate. He’s hell-bent on hurting me, and all it’s doing is hurting our kids.

Because of where Christmas falls this year, I lose two days with the boys. This will be the first year I will be away from them on Christmas Eve night. I won’t get to tuck them into their beds. I won’t get to see their excitement on Christmas morning when they see their gifts under the tree. So between childhood trauma revolving around Christmas, and not having my kids, I’m having a pretty rough time right now. I’m tired of crying.

I get the kids from noon on Xmas day, until noon the day after – then they will go back with their dad again for five days.

Currently, we are all driving to Kansas from PA to go pick up M (my fiancé’s daughter) and bring her back home with us. She will be spending close to two weeks in PA, including Christmas Day. This will be the first year that I get to spend Christmas with her, so that part is awesome! I just wish we could all be together. In a perfect world, that’s how I would want it! I know it’s going to be challenging having M, while my boys will be gone, but I’m determined to make the best of it.

If you have been reading my blog posts, you know I no longer have a relationship with my toxic & abusive family. There is a LONG history of narcissistic abuse and trauma, which is why I went no contact with my “mother” almost three years ago, and my “father” about two years ago. Neither of them has tried to contact me since. So what did my ex do? He took the kids to see my dad behind my back on Thanksgiving, and he brought along his girlfriend as well. If that wasn’t bad enough, he took them to see my mother also….and THAT broke me. That’s what he wanted. My kids, W and his gf all hung out at my family’s house for Thanksgiving. How f*cked up is that?! It feels like I died and they are all moving on without me. The pain…

I know with 100% certainty that W will be taking the boys to see my family again for Christmas. I have to give up time with MY kids, so my ex-husband can take them to my family’s house with his girlfriend. W knows this is guaranteed to hurt me, and he’s right. That’s why he keeps doing it. This in turn, hurts my kids too, and he fails to understand that. Not only that, but he’s putting the boys in the middle.

I begged him to swap me days so that the boys can spend time with M, and so I can get a little more than 24hrs with them over Xmas break. He refused to even respond to my texts. I have watched my 6 year old cry and scream for me when his dad drags him away, and I have watched my 11 year old be disappointed with his actions over and over. As a mother, this breaks my heart. I keep hoping things will eventually work out, but at this point in time, I don’t know how/when that will happen.

Christmas without a family, is hard. Christmas without my kids, is hard. Christmas trauma, is hard. Divorce, is hard. It’s ALL HARD! If you dread the holidays or have trauma around them, I understand! If you don’t have family to spend Christmas with, I understand! If your feelings don’t feel validated, I understand! You are not alone.

I will get through it, and so will you! So let’s try and make the best out of the Christmas holiday this year – whatever that means for you.

Bring it on, 2025! Here’s to hoping next year will be better than the last! ✌🏽

❤️ B